The Four Facets of Self Compassion
Self Compassion is having a moment.
It should have a moment. It is a simultaneously gentle and radical way to work with shame, guilt and comparison. It is the antidote to shame and burn-out and all the Big Bads that we carry around with us all day.
Yet - self compassion often gets flattened into a 2-D caricature of itself. It is the supportive and soothing internal voice that lets you are ok, and it is more than that. Self compassion has more going on. A kind inner voice is important but when practiced the benefits are more than a soothing voice or a kind word. The more you practice it - the more benefits you see - and they show up in a robust and relational way.
The real work of self compassion has four facets:
The Supportive Inner Voice:
This is the voice that says - you are trying your best, you deserve love and connection, Life can be trying and you are making progress, you got this or No matter what - I’ve got you back.
This voice can be an inner comforter, an inner pep talk giver, an inner nurturer or just a steady and needed reminder that you are enough, you deserve love and you are valuable and worthy solely because you are a human being.
The Balancing Right Sizer:
This is the part of self compassion that knows how to right size. Right sizing is a business term that means changing an organization to be the right size for the work it needs to do (e.g hire more workers or let go of a few functions). Self compassion is one of of the ways that we can right size our experiences. Self compassion, for all you 80s kids is our own personal Rick Moranis (Anyone else watch Honey I Shrunk The Kids too many times?). Self Compassion allows us to look at a situation (we were late, we forgot to bring cupcakes to the party, we didn’t work on our blog last night) and it can shrink them down to their actual size. These small infractions or missed goals can often take on a life of their own and become fodder for a case against yourself - you are never on time, you are a flake , you will never amount to anything - pick your flavor.
Self compassion can remind us - hey! that was one time! Remember everything you were on time for? Remember that you are reliable? Remember that you took a call from your mom or made a great dinner or rested instead of working? Tomorrow is another day. The next moment is a new moment. Self compassion invites you to pop the giant and looming cloud of self doubt and hate you have created and let’s you show up to the present moment - knowing that you are capable and ready.
Self compassion can also right size things in the other direction. It can right size things that we minimize. Maybe it is not OK for you to be constantly interrupted by a co-worker, or called “a baby” by your family or to have to do all the listening and supporting in a relationship with no reciprocation. Self compassion let’s you know that you can be sad or mad or hurt about things. Self compassion says that you are entitled to ask for what you need and set boundaries. Self compassion knows that you have the worth and the power and the capacity to request to be treated well.
This leads into:
3. The Boundary Setter
Self Compassion allows you to treat yourself with compassion and can often highlight the places where you are allowing, encouraging or enduring others to treat you without compassion. Once you begin to recognize your own worth and have compassion for yourself, you begin to desire others to treat you with the same dignity and respect. Once you begin to practice treating yourself with compassion - you might notice the places in your life where other people or institutions have not been. Self compassion then can look like creating boundaries, requesting fair treatment, claiming your own space and time (mentally or physically) and standing up to toxic or abusive messages that you have been taught to believe about yourself.
4. The Cosmic Connector:
The last facet of self compassion is compassion for others. Depending on your personality and traits - this might be one of the easier facets or the hardest to practice. I have placed this as the last facet because it is hard for each of us at one point or another. You may be able to be compassionate to others because you think that they are “better” than you are. This is not what I am talking about. This is shame fueled. You might be able to access compassion for those who have less than you. This is still not the compassion I am talking about - this is pity fueled.
The compassion for others I am talking about looks like a deep connection to other beings. It is able to recognize the suffering of others because you have felt suffering. It is able to watch the actions of others and see them for the human responses that they are - full of fear, shame, love, desire, longing for connection etc.
This does not mean that you accept or condone everything but it does provide you a door to connection with others. You can look at people and realize there is a kinship there - I too am trying my best, or I too have been afraid or I too am navigating this landscape and I feel vulnerable. The ability to access compassion for others becomes easier - instead of shifting immediately to blame or self blame or shame or anger. You can see the actions of others for what they are and you can begin to understand the impulses behind them. Things become less personal.
This compassion is an invitation for connection and deep conversation. It can also be the fuel needed to draw boundaries and change relationships in a way that feels loving and not antagonistic. Self compassion draws you into world compassion (it can often go the other way as well) and asks you to view the world whole heartedly and step into interdependent connection. Self compassion gives you access to the deep well of compassion - that cannot help but to spill out into the world.
Self compassion is a powerful and multi-dimensional force. It is supportive in ways that help us thrive. It is the key to finding the balance and the both/ and of being differentiated and connected. It desires our relationally in a way that is for us and does not strip of us agency or power.
As you practice and work with self compassion - look for these four aspects and honor them if they show up.
Good luck and good practice (we need a bit of both).
May you live compassionately with yourself today.
